


Inefficacious

by sadhuening



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Huening Kai, Eventual Smut, Exes, Getting Back Together, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Past Relationship(s), Sexual Tension, Top Choi Soobin, Warning: heavy topics about homophobia & religion, another take for 'indemnification', kind of, please don't read if you're uncomfortable with it, post-coming out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:13:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25668760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadhuening/pseuds/sadhuening
Summary: "I know love. I've loved someone,genuinelyloved him." He pauses briefly to push back the powerful memory. "But not more than I love you."It’s hard for him to breathe, suddenly his lungs are full of water and he keeps breathing through his mouth to release the tension around his chest. Soobin wants to cry but he holds it in."And I lost that person because I thought choosing you over him would mean something to you. But clearly I was wrong."(Soobin sacrifices everything to make things right between him and his father. He puts his life on hold so as not to offend him, to not add insult to injury. He has had relationships fail because he wouldn't introduce them to his parents and he could never spend Christmas with them because every year he has to try to fix something that couldn't be fixed and he can't help but wonder if anything ever going to make a difference, when it's only him who wants to change.)
Relationships: Choi Soobin & Huening Kai, Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 25
Kudos: 345





	Inefficacious

The doormat says 'Welcome,' but Soobin never feels welcome in this house anymore, even though it had been his home. Every year he comes back with the same question, and every year he leaves without an answer. It’s like a continuous cycle he could never escape no matter how hard he wishes for it to end.

He takes a deep breath and subconsciously wrings his left wrist in his right hand, hard enough to be painful, as if trying to pinch himself to wake up from a dream.

Soobin looks around. Parked cars crowd the driveway. Under a veil of fresh snow, sparkling Christmas lights lines the edge of the pediment and wraps around the supportive pillars that flanked the front door. The front lawn is dotted with snowmen, each a reflection of the child who made it, with the assistance of a mom or dad, of course. The scent of cigar smoke lingers about the front porch, a sign that someone has occupied the space recently. Ever since the birth of the first grandchild over ten years ago, smoking is no longer allowed inside the house.

His fingers still on the iron cast knocker as the sounds of muffled, subdued merriment echoes through the front door. Soobin dreads the uncomfortable silence that will descend as a result of his arrival. He casts a look to the left, to the neighboring house. Through the window of the study, he can see the Christmas tree. Through another window he sees the neighbor at the kitchen sink; her mouth is moving, her shoulders are swaying – she seems to be singing along to a Christmas tune.

Soobin studies the cars in their driveway and wonders what their Christmas would be like, and if their son would be home for the holidays for the first time this year.

When his thoughts are getting further away, he shakes his head, a sad smile on his face. Soobin adjusts his grip on the bag of presents tucked under his arm and finally knocks. As he waits, he wipes the shoes off his boots on the "Welcome" mat. It doesn't take long for the oak door to swing open and he is greeted by a familiar face, lips curved in a sympathetic, yet pitiful, smile.

That smile is warm with all the best intentions, but it makes him shiver nonetheless.

"Baby brother," she says and steps aside to welcome him into the house.

"Soojin," He nods in greeting and only then does he notices her belly, framed by her red sweater. His mouth goes dry. She looks several months pregnant – five at least – but he’s never told. "Another one?" he asks dumbly.

"Yes. We wanted to keep trying for a boy."

"Well, you know how that can turn out," he responds wryly. His comment does not amuse her. The smile falters and she hurries to close the door behind him, mumbling something about the cold wind.

"Is it a boy? Or are you waiting to find out?" Soobin continues – oh god he’s so awkward.

"It's a boy."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"So I guess I have to bring one more present next year." He chuckles but again, his attempt at humor fails.

Soojin sighs. "You don't have to buy them presents if you don't want to, Soobin."

"Sorry. No, I—I didn't mean it like that.” he sighs. “I love bringing presents for them. It's the only thing that keeps them from forgetting about me."

Soojin puts her hands on her hips. "You could visit more often if that's what you're worried about."

He nods, but chooses to not point out that she never extended such an invitation to him. If not for their mother, he would not have this one day, out of the entire year, to see his family – Christmas.

Without further ado, she walks into the living room ahead of him and announces his arrival like a proper warning: "Soobin is here!"

As expected, the crowd goes quiet. Soobin steps into the living room with his head ducked between his shoulders and an apologetic smile on his face.

"Hi, everyone," he says with a half-hearted wave. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," The group mumbles in unison. Some cast worried glances to the corner, to the cognac-brown leather lounge chair where no one is seated – not anymore.

One by one, his other siblings come forward to greet him. All three of them are much like Soojin in the sense that they would always love him – he’s their baby brother, after all – but in varying degrees, they have no patience, understanding, or respect for him.

Soobin got along best with Soohye; she is only a year older than him and more free-spirited than the other sisters. She knows what it’s like to be considered a disappointment by their father, unjustly so. As such, of all of them, she blames him the least for the implosion of the perfect family that he had caused.

But, just like them, she wishes he’s different; or would've at least continued the lie.

"Hey, newlywed," he says as he greeted her.

Soohye slaps his arm playfully. "Hardly 'newlywed.' We're celebrating our second anniversary in April." She motions to a tall, black-haired man who idled by the other men. At her beckoning, he approaches and she introduces him. "Soobin, this is my husband, Haneul." She beams with pride.

The handshake is short and weak. "It’s nice to meet you, Haneul-ssi. Merry Christmas."

"You too. Sorry, we missed Christmas last year."

"No, I get it. Hawaii, right?"

"Maldives."

"Oh, sure." Soobin rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. "Where are the kids?" he asks, turning to the older sisters. Soohye doesn't have any children, not yet.

Soojin supplies, "They are helping mom bake her traditional Christmas cake."

"Where should I put these?" He nods at the plastic bag still tucked under his arm, nearly bursting with presents.

The second oldest, Soogeun, says to him, "Under the tree of course. Here, let me." she takes the bag and starts arranging the presents under the tree. She hardly hides his disdain at the sight of the unimpressive wrapping paper fully decorated with the store's logo.

"Thanks," Soobin says to him. "I'm gonna say hi to mom." He takes a single step but then stopped himself. "Is Dad in there?" He points his thumb at the kitchen.

"He just stepped outside for a smoke," Soojin replies. It sounds like an accusation.

Assured that the coast was clear, Soobin strides into the kitchen and beams a smile when his mother's face lits up at the sight of him. Her face is dusted with powder as white as her hair, and handprints, adult and child-sized, marks his green apron and the skirt of her printed dress.

"My son!" She exclaims with great joy.

Four little faces look up from the batter that grandma was mixing. The look of anticipation at the taste of sweet cake is replaced with sheer excitement.

"Uncle Yaya!" Mirae, the oldest, is the first to sprint toward him and wraps her arms around his legs.

He picks her up with an exaggerated "Oomph!" and says, "My God, you've gotten big! Last time I saw you, you were just a little ankle-biter like Misun." He nods at the Five-year-old that approaches him with some apprehension. "Look at you now!"

Mirae flashes him bright smile. "Uncle Yaya, we saw each other last year when I was nine already! I haven't been an ankle-biter since I was little like my sister!" She chastises, but Soobin knows she likes it whenever he over exaggerates how much she has grown.

"Oh? Well, then I guess it's safe to put you down." He puts her down and as soon as he does, she drops to the floor on her hands and knees and pretends to bite his ankle. He lets out a mock-shriek and hurries to pick her up again, upside-down. Mirae roars with laughter as she watches her younger sister and brother, Misun and Minju, and her niece Minhyun, all reach for his ankles with tickly little fingers.

Soojin stomps into the kitchen. She is a slender woman, but the weight of her pregnancy adds some power to her footfalls. "Girls, boys, keep it down!" She glares at her little brother. "And put her down. Mirae is too old for that kind of nonsense." She waits until Soobin fulfills her demand before promptly leaving in the same way she entered.

Once the coast is clear, cheeky little Misun wonders, "Did you bring us any presents, Uncle?"

Soobin widens his eyes, but before anyone notices, he cleverly answers, "Oh yeah, silly Santa keeps sending some of your presents to my address."

"Silly Santa," Minju mimics softly.

Misun's cheeks burn with embarrassment as she realizes her mistake. While she and Mirae are very much aware of the "truth" of Santa, Minju and Mihyun are still blissfully oblivious to the fact that Santa is no more than a story.

Soobin gives Misun a comforting smile and a light chuck under her chin with his index finger. His smile brightens when, in no time at all, she looks up with a cheerful sparkle in her eye and the corners of her mouths slowly curving upward.

Assured that a crisis has been averted, Soobin suggests to the girls, "Why don't you go look at how many presents Santa sent to my home for you?" They all nod eagerly and rushes into the living room with equal excitement about the prospect of getting gifts, no matter who or where they came from.

Soobin looks back and spotted his mother watching him, her gentle eyes still sparkled with undying youth. He walks up and hugged her to him tightly. She is tiny in comparison to him. Soobin had stopped growing after puberty, but it seems as if she begins to shrink.

His mother is the only person in the family to accept him without judgment, and she does not hold any grudges against him for his "poor timing" five years ago. She is also the only person he sees more than once a year at Christmas. He makes it a point to fly back to his hometown as often as he could to spend time with her, even if it only meant sharing a dinner. More often than not, his father didn't know about it; if he did he would accuse his own wife of fifty years of betraying him and the Lord. Soobin would never be able to thank her for her kindness, acceptance, and unconditional love – the one thing he jeopardized ten years ago and wanted back more than anything else from his sisters and father.

When they part she cups his face lovingly. "You are so good with them."

Soobin smiles.

"You would be such a lovely father."

"Mom," Soobin warns as he straightens up; pulling his face away from her grasp.

"Don't patronize me," his mom says lightly. "I'm not saying you should marry a woman. I want you to marry whomever it is you love and then have a family of your own." She dismisses his disapproving frown with a brief wave of her hand. "Don't look at me like I'm talking crazy."

"When I find someone I love and if we decide to get married, we'll think about starting a family, okay?"

"Just don't take too long. I'm not getting any younger." She pours the batter with chocolate chips into a baking pan and remarks with a mischievous glance: "And neither are you."

Soobin laughs, leaning back against the counter. "I still have time. And you have plenty of sons-in-laws and grandchildren."

His mom snorts at the quip remark. "Don't make it sound like I'm collecting them." She places the pan in the oven and expertly twisted the dials for the temperature and time. "I want you to be happy. I want your life to be complete. Only then will my life be complete."

Soobin lets out a sigh. "I'm trying. It's not easy."

"It's not easy for anyone to settle down, Soobin. Gay or straight." She says as she wipes powdered sugar off her apron. She takes it off and hung it on the handle of one of the kitchen cabinets. "Have you said hello to your father yet?"

"Not yet," Soobin shakes his head as he speaks. "Even after all these Christmases…it's still a challenge."

She gives an understanding nod, but notes slowly, "Not to make it more difficult for you, but…this year he could be especially trying."

Soobin pushes off the counter. "Why? Did something happen?" His face blanches. "You didn't tell him—"

"Soobin, please," His mother says in a hushed tone, "Of course I'm not going to tell him about your latest crazy boyfriend. Besides, that's all in the past – it was ages ago. No point in bringing that up again - _ever_." She points a shaky finger at him. The memory of that ordeal was still emotionally jarring for her. "No…your father was forced to retire last summer over a disagreement that got out of hand."

Soobin's jaw drops in disbelief. "What? That's bullshit! He's been the pastor for this community for over thirty years. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't tell you because it would only make you all the angrier with your father."

"Angry?" He shakes his head in confusion. "I don't understand."

His mom eyes him carefully. "It's because of the nature of the disagreement," she elaborates but remained purposefully vague.

Soobin still doesn't get it; he quirks an eyebrow and regards her with a pressing stare. With a sigh, she surrenders. She casts a glance at the doorway to make sure the conversation would be private before she starts to explain.

"Bishop Kim is a more modern man and he wants to steer the church in a more modern direction. He wants the clergy to expressly welcome homosexuals to the congregation and never again judge or condemn them for their lifestyle. He wants tolerance and acceptance to be the key to every sermon. Your father did not support this decision." His mom looks away, ashamed. "In the heat of the moment, he made some reprehensible allegations towards the bishop and other clergymen. He was immediately 'asked' to retire. Your father agreed because he would rather quit than…" She trails off and absentmindedly starts cleaning the kitchen counter.

Soobin doesn't need her to continue; he knows the reason. "He quit the job he loved, and abandoned the flock he has looked after and nurtured for over thirty years, because he would no longer be allowed to spew his ignorant hate anymore…his hate for me." His voice cracks; he clenches his jaw and his hand reaches up to cover his mouth, ashamed of his pained grimace and trying to hide it.

"He doesn't hate you," His mom tries to tell him, desperate.

"Oh, don't, mom – just don't! He hates what I am, so he hates _who_ I am. He hates me!"

His mom shakes her head. "This is why I didn't tell you before."

"Well, I actually would have appreciated more of a heads-up than this last-minute mind fuck!" Soobin scoffs at the increasing difficulty of his situation. "So now I have to tiptoe around him because, on top of everything, he blames me for losing his congregation? And he has all this anger – of Biblical proportions! – bottled-up inside that he hasn't been able to vent since this summer?"

"He promised me he would behave," she assures him.

"He promises you that every year and every year it translates to him ignoring me and mumbling passive-aggressive comments over dinner."

"Just go say hello to him and give him a wide berth. Give him some time, he'll come around eventually."

"I've been giving him time for _five_ years now," Soobin points out, but he shook his head, knowing he has no other choice but to stand it for as long as he can. He should be grateful that he’s allowed to come home for Christmas again, at least. The holiday is his last remaining connection to his family and although he dreads it every December, he doesn't want to lose them forever.

An awkward Christmas dinner is better than never seeing them again.

With defeat, Soobin excuses himself and goes to look for his father. The search doesn't take long – he finds him seated in the leather lounge chair in the corner of the living room, watching his granddaughters marvel at the number of presents under the tree. They are trying to spot the name-tag on the biggest box, all hoping it would have their name on it.

"Hey, Dad." He greets and extends his hand. "Merry Christmas." He looks at his father with a question apparent in his eyes, the question that looms over them for years:

_Will you ever forgive me and accept me for who I am?_

He never actually dares to voice the question aloud, still too afraid of the answer. Several pairs of nervous eyes are watching them, all remembering the disastrous Christmas of 2015.

The older man looks small, slumped in a chair that seemed too big for him all of sudden. He looks like a shadow of himself, stripped of the pride and dignity with which he carried himself, as the respected pastor of his community. "Merry Christmas," he mumbles, but he doesn't shake his hand, or bother to lift his heavy eyes to acknowledge Soobin's presence.

Soobin lets his hand drop then later stuffs it into the pocket of his pants because it feels so awkward dangling at his side after the all-too-obvious rejection. "Did you fix the porch-swing?"

Finally, his dad looks up at him, albeit a deep-seated frown. "What?"

"The porch-swing. It was broken last year."

"We threw it out and got a new one."

Soobin tried a smile. "You insisted on fixing it."

"It was just a porch-swing. Besides, some things can't be fixed," he says dismissively and looks back at his granddaughters.

"Yeah." He waits for a heartbeat and then walks away.

To spare himself any further shame, Soobin keeps himself busy by helping his mother and sisters set the table and cook dinner. The son-in-laws help themselves to the family’s whiskey collections and argued about politics, taxes, modern art, and everything else Soobin considered boring.

The boys are seated at a smaller table and drink from their glasses of apple juice as their fathers drink from their whiskey: briefly sniffing the juice before taking small sips, and rolling the glass to "evenly distribute the flavor." When the youngest gets bored with this imitation game, he starts undoing his tiny bowtie and suckling on the ends of it.

The girls help – in their own way – with dinner and the table. Their grandmother corrects the placement of the cutlery and wine glasses without them knowing and later praises them for how perfectly they set the table. The kids are none the wiser.

The patriarch of the family remains in his chair, sulking. Soobin can hardly be sympathetic. After all, he brings his misery upon himself. The bishop ought to be applauded for his forward-thinking ways. Research shows that the church's intolerance towards homosexuality played a huge role in why the younger generation doesn't attend church as often – or even at all – as their parents or grandparents did. Some go so far as to identify as Atheist or Agnostic because they can't consolidate 'love their neighbor' with the archaic vilifying and discrimination of homosexuals. His father is an old-fashioned, stubborn fool for refusing this progress.

When the preparations are done, dinner is attractively spread on the long dining room table. Everyone takes their seats and, with a wave of his hand, Father gives Soojin the responsibility to lead the family in prayer.

Worry flits across Soojin's otherwise stern features at the questionable honor. Dutifully, she clasps her hands together and starts reciting the prayer. It’s simple and short unlike what his father would usually do when he’s in charge.

"Amen," Everyone concludes, Soobin as well. When he unfolds his hands and opened his eyes, he caught his father staring at him with unreadable eyes.

Soobin looks away, unsettled.

The guests start piling food onto their plates. For a moment everyone is preoccupied, waiting for someone to pass them the gravy float, the basket with bread, or the bowl of peas. The kids eat oven-baked fries and chicken nuggets. Soobin is happy to just listen to the chatter without the need to mingle. They are so comfortable around each other; after all, they see each other more than once a year – Soojin and Soohye even lived in the same street, separated by no more than three houses. All three of them are in-tune in a way that only sisters could be, he thinks.

As the only boy, Soobin has always felt like an outsider. At a young age, he discovered his sisters spoke a different language; they confused him with words like "taffeta," "taupe," "bodycon," "crimping," "ombre," and – one of the very first words that mystified him – tampon. Even words he did understand, or thought he did at least, had a different meaning, most notably "fine!"; it didn’t actually mean they're okay. Deep down Soobin had hoped that they would be understanding when he came out. He had even dared to believe that his confession could improve their relationship; that somehow, he would be welcomed into their world, and they would explain those words to him because they felt comfortable around him.

The reality does not reflect his hopes.

They don't want him to be part of their world; they want a sister-in-law. They want him to marry that cheerleader, then later that one cashier, or any of the girls from his college co-ed dorm. More importantly, they want Father to be happy again. The man has been miserable since his only son betrayed him, at least that’s how he sees it.

His parents have four children because they really wanted a boy. But the boy they get – their "blessing" – isn't a "real boy" and his father resents him for that.

It’s all started on Christmas Day in 2015 when Soobin decided to tell his family that he’s gay. The anticipation of the moment was petrifying, but he stood firm on his decision. Continuing to live a lie made him feel like a fraud, and he didn't want to keep it a secret any longer. He wanted to tell them who he was, and he wanted to tell them who he loved. He wanted to show them the "real" Choi Soobin and he foolishly believed that the truth could be welcomed with acceptance.

His father's reaction to the news scared everyone and Soobin wasn't allowed to come back until Christmas of 2018.

He remained relatively calm at first. Soobin had asked him and his mother to join him in the study. It was there he told them in private, and asked for permission to tell his sisters later. When it was time to say prayer before dinner, everyone folded their hands and bowed their heads. That was when his father had exploded:

"You do not have the right to pray in this house! I will not let you sully this family by addressing the Lord in our name! You betrayed Him! You betrayed us! You do not get to ask Him or anyone for their blessing or their love because you deserve none of it!"

Soobin remembers those words the way he remembers the mealtime prayers, Easter prayers, Holy Communion prayers and Christmas prayers. Religion has always been a part of him and since then, his father's rejection, is too.

And it is something he has to live by. Soobin had ruined Christmas – that was how his sisters experienced it. And, according to them, he ruined their family too. Every Christmas since, he has to try to fix things – to fix their family – to be seen as their brother again and as father's son. So far, every Christmas has ended in failure.

Maybe his father is right: some things just can't be fixed.

That one Christmas ruined every Christmas after it. And that one Christmas, might have ruined his entire life.

After dinner, Soobin helps the ladies clean up and serve dessert – the cake the grandchildren had helped to bake – with ice cream. Finally, when the last child finished their dessert, it’s time for the main event: the presents. The chaos of the deceivingly innocent ritual is a chore, but in the end, all of the kids are happy and playing with their new toys contentedly.

"You spoil them with those expensive presents," Soohye scolds.

Soobin shrugs. "We gays have a lot of disposable income." That is a bold thing to say. He ignores her incredulous stare and does not give in to the urge to apologize.

The boys play with their expensive toy cars while the girls giggle around with their expensive custom-made dolls. The parents allow their children to exhaust themselves with their new toys, knowing there would be no point trying to get them to bed until it was certain they would practically topple over from exhaustion. One by one the families leave, carrying half-awake children to the cars. Only Soobin, Soohye, and his husband Haneul remain, with no children to put to bed.

The atmosphere becomes much more amicable. Soohye is more comfortable and open-minded without her big sisters looming over her, and Haneul warms up nicely after his third glass of whiskey.

"I should probably head to my hotel," Soobin announces when the hallway clock struck midnight.

His mother's attention piques. "You're staying at a hotel? Honey, you can sleep here."

Soobin shakes his head at his mother's offer. She keeps offering him every year he visited, without fail; but until things change between him and his father, he will have to continue to refuse.

"That's way too awkward. I don't want to overstay my welcome, if I haven't already." He gets up and kisses his mother and sister goodbye. "See you next Christmas," He says wistfully, "—and let me know if I need to bring an extra present in Santa's name," he adds, referring to the previous conversation when their mother started pestering Soohye about trying for a baby.

"Maybe you should come to the summer barbeque," Soohye suggests.

"Maybe," he replies noncommittally.

"I'll talk to your father about it," his mother says carefully, recognizing, as much as Soobin, that the final say is not theirs.

"Where is he? I suppose I should say goodbye." His plan to sneak out, to pretend to forget to say goodbye, is foiled by the mention of his father.

"I think he's outside for a smoke."

"Front porch?"

"Out back, I think."

Soobin waves the company goodbye before stepping outside through the kitchen door. His father is seated on the back porch in the dark. There is no blue smoke wafting around him; he’s not holding a cigar, but a basketball instead. Soobin notices that he isn't wearing a coat.

"Aren't you freezing?" Soobin asks.

"I'm not cold."

Soobin casts a glance down the driveway that reached around the house and ended in front of the garage. The pavement has been cleared of snow and, still attached to the top of the garage door, is the basketball hoop his dad installed for him when he was nine years old. He had taught Soobin how to play. He had many fond memories of playing basketball with his father, eventually besting him as he got taller.

"I got Minhyun a basketball," Dad says out of nowhere, startling Soobin a little. "But I guess he liked the car you gave him more, since he forgot all about it and left it here." He twirls the ball in his hands. "I was going to teach him to play. He's old enough now." This is more than Soobin's dad has said to him in years. He hadn't really spoken more than a couple of words to Soobin since his outburst in 2015, and an actual conversation was out of the question.

"You should," Soobin says. "He'll love that. I did."

His dad looks up at him, distrusting.

"Do you want to shoot some hoops?" Soobin can't veil his vulnerable, hopeful tone. He doesn't think they could keep a civil conversation going, but he is taken by the naïve notion that a game of basketball could mend old wounds.

His dad's eyes narrow. "You still like that sort of stuff?" he challenges.

Soobin scoffs. He folds his arms in front of his chest and leans back against the banister of the porch. "Dad, I'm a high school basketball coach. Yes, I still like that sort of stuff." He pauses in thought for a moment and then decides to continue: "I know you think everything changed when I came out. But really, nothing has changed. I still play basketball, I still watch the Super Bowl, I still like dumb action movies…" he hesitates, but only briefly. "…I still go to church," he tries carefully. "I was always gay and it never affected anything. So why should it be different now, just because you know? I'm still the son you raised."

"You're not," his dad asserts and vehemently shakes his head. "You sat right next to me on this bench and asked me how you should ask Choi Jisu to the school dance. You liked girls. You were straight until you left for college."

He rolls his eyes at him. "Oh, Dad—"

"You were supposed to meet someone nice," his father continues, not allowing himself to be interrupted. "You were supposed to get married and have children, the way you were meant to. I raised you to be a real man. Now, you like boys!" He spits.

"I don't like _boys_ , Dad; I like _men_.” he says sharply. “And despite that, I _am_ a man. I can still meet someone nice, get married and have children, if I want to."

Soobin watches his head snaps up to gawk at him with the abhorred stare that he knows all too well. Still he continues, undeterred.

"I'm not the son you want me to be, just like you are not the father I want you to be.” he laughs hollowly. “We set each other up to fail with our expectations of what the other should be. Either we accept each other as we are, or we quit this; we quit hurting each other."

His dad looks down at the basketball and idly plays with it.

"Think about it.," Soobin presses on. "Isn't our relationship worth fixing? Isn't it worth more to you than a porch-swing? I've been trying to fix us for five years, but I can't do it without your help."

His hands freeze.

"You abandoned your congregation because of hatred in your heart. These people called you 'Father.' You were trusted to care for them in the name of God, but you placed your own hatred before God's love. And now I stand before you, one of only four who still calls you 'Father.' What will you do? What is more important to you? Love or hate?"

Soobin gives his dad a chance to respond. When none comes, he asks;

"Is there anything left that you still have love for, or has hatred replaced all of it?"

"I love my wife. I love my daughters. I love my grandchildren." He looks up and, with fire burning defiantly in his eyes, he spits, "Who do _you_ love? All your kind has is _lust_. That will never be enough to build a family and live a complete life."

Soobin straightens up and replies calmly, "I know love. I've loved someone, _genuinely_ loved him." He pauses briefly to push back the powerful memory. "But not more than I love you."

It’s hard for him to breathe, suddenly his lungs are full of water and he keeps breathing through his mouth to release the tension around his chest. Soobin wants to cry but he holds it in.

"I lost that person because I thought choosing you over him would mean something to you. But clearly I was wrong." he laughs hoarsely. "I've sacrificed everything to make things right between us; I put my life on hold so as not to offend you, to not add insult to injury. I've had relationships fail because I wouldn't introduce them to my parents and I could never spend Christmas with them because I had to be here. And all of it has been for nothing!" He throws his arms up and snorts bitterly. "Is anything ever going to make a difference, Dad?"

His father ignores him and keeps staring at the basketball.

" _Dad_!" He demands.

The old man glares at him. "Nothing changes until you change."

His face hardens. This is it. "I'm gay. I can't change that, Dad. Only _you_ can change."

"I won't," is the definitive reply.

Soobin waits a couple of heartbeats but he isn't sure what he is waiting for. Does he really expect his father to take back those words? To have a change of heart and apologize. Does he really believe that his dad would do in a matter of minutes what he couldn't even do in five years?

He spins around and steps off the porch into the snow that crunches softly underneath his feet. As he rounds the corner, a part of him still clung to foolish hope that his father would call after him; he doesn't. All he hears was the crunching snow and the rustle of his own clothes as he takes one step after another.

It is over.

After five years, he has his answer. It’s not the answer he is hoping for, but he has no choice but to accept it.

Soobin isn't distraught. In a way, he wishes he could feel the pain of loss; but with everything said and done, he realizes he had lost his dad years ago. More than anything, he is relieved. Relieved that they finally finished the fight that started five Christmases ago. Relieved that he is now mature and composed enough to say the things he wants his father to hear.

A weight is lifted from his shoulders. Maybe next year, he can actually have fun on Christmas: spend it with friends, or maybe; someone special.

Still, he worries about his mother. For five years, she is caught in the middle of it all. Soobin knows this result will be most difficult on her and hard to accept. But, even so, he has no doubt that she will continue to love him – accept him – no matter what. He could have a private 'Christmas' celebration with her, away from the family gathering, whenever they want; July if need be. The family may see his absence during the Holidays as a blessing. They no longer would have to endure the tense energy his presence brought to the house; they could finally get back to the unburdened, festive Christmas celebration they enjoyed before his actions ruined it all.

And who knows? Maybe one day, his sisters will get over their remaining resentment towards him so that the fragile bonds they share can finally have a chance to mend. Soobin may never get back the love of his father, and he is ready to accept that, but he will never give up the rest of his family.

Not yet.

As he approaches his car, parked at the end of the driveway, Soobin fishes his keys out of his pocket. The metal jingles crisply in the quiet neighborhood.

"Soobin? Is that you?"

A smooth voice calls out. Soobin stops dead in his tracks.

His heart rate quickens and his chest blossoms with a nervous heat. With jerky movements he twists his body around and sees a figure dressed in black walking down the path of the neighboring house, heading directly toward him.

"Huening Kai."

Soobin's lips twitch into a helpless smile as he studies the person approaching him. A long, black coat on top of black slacks hid his slender frame. His pale white skin put the clear, winter sky and stars to shame; but his gaze makes him warm. Those honey-colored eyes make him think of sweltering heat and summer they spent years ago before he ruined it all.

Kai stops just short of stepping into Soobin's personal space and seems to have forced himself to a halt before moving in for an impromptu embrace. He tucks a lock of brown hair behind his ear, but the wind pulled it free and playfully tousled it along with the rest.

"Hi," he breathes out softly. His cheeks are red from the cold and it’s adorable how he tries to warm them up with his bare hands. “Long time no see.”

"Hi." Soobin can't stop smiling and it’s wrong. He shouldn’t be smiling, he should be begging for forgiveness instead. "I was wondering if you would be home for Christmas this year."

"Yeah." Kai tucks his hair behind his ear again. "I always offer to take the Christmas shift and come home for Thanksgiving instead. But my parents celebrated their thirtieth anniversary last Tuesday, so since I was flying out here anyway, I signed up for the Thanksgiving shift this year instead." He shrugs.

Soobin shakes his head and chuckles at himself when he realizes he has been staring at his lips.

Kai blinks at him. "What?"

"Nothing… it's just… so weird and… wonderful to see you." His struggle with words embarrasses him.

"You too. It's been—"

"Five years."

"Five years…yeah." Kai bites his bottom lip. After hesitating, he asks tentatively, "Do you want to go get some—"

"Coffee?"

Kai smiles at his hopeful tone. "Yeah."

"Do you have a ride?" Kai shakes his head innocently at the question. Soobin unlocks his own and jabs his thumb at the passenger side. "Get in. I'll find us a place."

After fifteen minutes of driving around, they end up at a small diner that’s still open. As soon as they pick a booth, they are served coffee with a gruff Christmas greeting from a stocky waitress. Soobin has been shamelessly staring when Kai shakes off his coat and revealed a tight-fitting, black turtleneck sweater. The younger man looks even better than Soobin remembers him, and his occasional fantasies haven't done his matured body any justice either.

When he last laid eyes – more than just eyes – on Kai, he was only sixteen years old, still a boy. He has grown up well. He maintains the perfect amount of his previous, boyish appeal in his round bright eyes, the delicateness of his cheeks and lips, the playfulness of his hair, his slender body and soft skin. But his voice has deepened pleasantly and now has muscular thighs and straight, strong shoulders. The rolled-up sleeves of his turtleneck reveal thin but toned arms, and the fabric stretched taut across his defined chest and he can’t help but wonder how nice it would be to be able to feel that across his palm.

He watches Kai take his first sip of coffee and when Kai looks right back, he exudes a confidence he used to lack. Soobin is spellbound.

"I ran into your mom and dad last Christmas when I came home," he starts to get his thoughts out the gutter. "I heard you were living in America and working at some fancy hotel."

Kai grins in response. "The Acardia. I work at the Library Bar."

"I thought you were going to become a doctor." Soobin hopes his tone doesn't imply judgment.

Kai laughs softly. "That's the thing about taking a bartending job to pay your way through medical school. You kind of realize bartending is really fun." More seriously, he goes on, "I wasn't sure anymore if I really wanted to become a doctor that badly. When I used to say that, I didn't really know what that would cost me and how hard it would be. I just did it because everyone told me I was smart enough. I didn't have time for a life: for hobbies, for friends, for boyfriends," He casts a mischievous look across the table. "I'm thinking about going to nursing school. I have a head start with the training I've already had, but…" He waves his hand dismissively. "What about you? My mom said you're a teacher."

"Uhm, not really. I'm a basketball coach at a Seoul high school and I volunteer at the Youth center."

"Wow." He beams a smile.

"What?"

"That's so like you. You haven't changed at all."

"Thanks." He grimaces. "If it's a compliment."

"Oh, it's a compliment." He hides his grin behind his cup of coffee.

Soobin runs his hand through his hair. He wonders if it is best to ignore the past – the past they had together, and the past they spent apart – but that would be disingenuous. "I should have returned your calls."

With a sigh, Kai puts his coffee down and avoids eye-contact. His finger toys with the ear of the cup. "Yeah. You should have."

"I got really fucked up that Christmas."

Kai smiles sadly. "My mom told me a little about it. What she heard from your mother." He looks up at Soobin. "I could have helped you."

"I know. But I didn't want help. I just wanted to be angry and wallow in self-pity."

"Did you ever make things right with your father?"

"No." Soobin sighs. "But it's over now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I've spent five Christmases trying to make it right with him… when I should have tried to make things right with someone else." He looks at Kai meaningfully.

An earnest smile spreads across Kai's lips. "Well, this Christmas you may have that chance."

Soobin stares and doesn’t bother to hide his surprise. After his talk with his father, he thought this year would be the worst Christmas ever – even worse than 2015 – but perhaps he needs his father's rejection to be resolute before he can finally move on.

And almost instantly he is given that chance. It’s because of moments like this that Soobin still believed in God.

"I loved you so much," Soobin blurts out. "All I ever wanted was for you to never get hurt… and of course, I end up being the jackass who hurt you." He chuckles bitterly and scrubs his face with his hands. "I regret so many things. I should have told you how I felt. I should have called. I should have visited you more often. I should have invited you to come to see me at college. I should—" After a moment of hesitation he finishes with, "I should have made love to you."

The waitress shoots him a look as she walks by at that exact moment but Soobin doesn't care. And Kai; he’s too stunned into silence to stop his rambling.

"You wanted me to be your first and I was just fucking scared shitless of that responsibility. You were so special to me, I wanted your first time to be special in a way you deserved. But I waited too long. I let the moment slip away. I let you slip away." He closes his hands around the warm cup in front of him and takes a moment to organize his thoughts and regains his composure. "Who was your first?"

"Soobin…" Kai shakes his head.

"Please, tell me some other guy didn't fuck up like I did." he asks desperately.

Kai turns his head to look outside but ends up looking at his own reflection in the black window. "It was just some guy. In the back of his car. I didn't even tell him I was a virgin – I was afraid he would want to wait too long… like you did."

Soobin suddenly feels sick in his stomach. His hands tighten around the cup.

Like always, Kai tries to make light of it. "I mean, I was nearly eighteen at that point and you know I was impatient for it ever since I was sixteen, and you dry-humping me for two years didn't exactly 'curb my enthusiasm.' I was fucking horny." He laughs.

“Yeah,” he chuckles weakly. "You were very horny."

Soobin blushes at the memories. Kai had made it clear to him many times that he had been ready; they pretty much tried everything except sex. In the heat of the moment, Kai would _beg_ him to fuck him. He was so curious and so eager. Soobin's only sexual encounters before then were with girls, and he had never taken anyone's virginity. He wanted to have sex with Kai so badly that he nearly lost control several times, but what always stopped him was the pressure he had put on himself. Whenever they were close, his mind started racing: _What if I hurt him? What if he doesn't like it? What if I'm not good at it? – girls fake orgasms after all! – What if we break up and he regrets going 'all the way' with me?_ Pretty pathetic, but it’s all in the past he can’t change it now.

"Well, what about you? Who did you lose your 'gay virginity' to?" Kai shoots back with a grin.

Soobin blinks at the sudden shift in focus. "I guess about a year later, with a guy at college. An exchange student from Poland."

The other quirks an eyebrow. "Are you into foreigners?"

"Maybe." he shrugs.

Soobin doesn't really think he had a type, but it might not have been a coincidence that, after Kai, the first guy he was with was a young student from Poland. He had a similar, lithe frame, pale skin, small round eyes, brown hair and an exotic name. Since then, he had been with all kinds of guys, although he never felt for them what he felt for Kai. Sometimes his promiscuity shamed him, but at least he knew he had gotten 'good at it.'

"So, are you really a total bottom? You were pretty convinced of it back then; you wanted to get fucked so badly." Soobin swears he’s just being playful, but the way his voice drops might suggest otherwise.

Kai doesn't skip a beat. "I've topped a couple of times, but…" he grins, "—that's not what I prefer."

Soobin shifts in his seat, adjusting his position to give himself some relief as his body starts to respond favorably to the teasing.

Kai's lips curl knowingly and he makes a show of moving in his own seat: uncrossing his legs and sitting back. When their feet touch – innocently – under the table, it’s Soobin's hands that warm the coffee, not the other way around.

"Are you—" He clears his throat, "Are you seeing anyone?"

His answer is a bemused snort. "Am I not being blunt enough?"

Soobin's cheekbones and ears turn red – he laughs. The question is unnecessary. Kai wouldn't be seductively toying with him if he’s already committed to someone else. He’s not that kind of person and Soobin knows that too well.

"I expected you to be angry with me," Soobin quietly admits. "That you would never want to see me again. Not—" He moves his foot so their calves lined up and slowly moves his heel up and down to rub their legs together. It’s an intimate gesture they used to do as a couple and he’s happy that Kai doesn’t push him away.

"I know that you never intended to hurt my feelings. You were hurt yourself. It must have been awful for you." The younger man smiles sadly. "And in hindsight, you were right. I was too young, too naïve, and we were both too self-absorbed to make a long-distance relationship work. By the time we started dating, we only ever saw each other over the summer and on holidays. Even if things hadn't fallen apart that second Christmas, it wouldn't have worked."

"I didn't think you'd be so pessimistic about us."

"I wasn't back then. I thought we were going to be together forever," He smiles shyly. "But I've grown up." After a moment of thought, he corrects, "I prefer realistic as opposed to pessimistic."

"Fair enough." he says.

"So… how was Christmas for you this year?" Kai tries to divert, taking a casual sip from his lukewarm coffee.

"It's getting better." Soobin watches as Kai struggles to hide his flattered grin; it makes him smile. "Yours?"

"It was nice not working for a change. It was… really nice." he concludes vaguely.

"Your parents are still okay with it? They've never tried to change you, or…?" Kai revealed his sexual preference to his parents when he was eighteen years old, a few months before Soobin mustered up the courage to break the news to his own family. He had been emboldened by the Huening's positive response to their son's homosexuality; in hindsight, he should've known that his family was nowhere near as open-minded as the Huening's.

Guilt flits across Kai's features as he remembers encouraging Soobin to come out to his own parents, not realizing how badly that would backfire. "It's not really an issue. They're fine with it. It only ever comes up when my mom tries to set me up with someone."

Soobin smiles, hiding his envy. "Did you ever tell them about us?"

The other shakes his head. "I didn't want to burden my mom with that secret. It would get in the way of her friendship with your mum. She probably would've accidentally ended up telling her or your dad, and I knew the last thing you needed was more fuel to that fire. I didn't want my mom to end up feeling guilty." He pushes the half-empty cup of coffee aside – it has gone cold. "It wasn't easy keeping you a secret. I've never stopped thinking about you. I would have liked to have been able to talk to her about you. I've talked to her about every other guy I've been with."

"I'm sorry..."

"I didn't mean it as an attack."

"I know. I'm still sorry." Soobin moves the tip of his finger along the rim of the cup while chewing on the inside of his cheek. "So you talked to her about other guys?"

"I even introduced one or two to my parents."

Soobin is struck with envy of a different kind. He shifts in his seat again, slouching so his leg could reach further under the table and their knees met. "Anything serious?"

"I introduced them to my parents. That's pretty serious to me," Kai quips in response.

"Mmhm..." He takes a sip from his coffee – forgetting it has gone cold – and his face scrunches up his lips make contact with the liquid. "This is cold," he states the obvious. "Is yours cold too? Should I order us two more coffees?"

Kai leans forward, his legs move away, out of Soobin's reach, but he extends his arm over the table and covers his hand with his. "Soobin, how long do you want us to keep talking before we either go back to your hotel room or mine?"

Soobin's eyes widen; he knows his hand will leave a wet mark on the table as his palms turn sweaty in response to Kai's blunt remark.

"I didn't think we should…right away. I didn't know…I thought maybe we should wait. That you should wait." His lips tighten at his own ineloquence.

"Soobin, I've been waiting to have sex with you since I was sixteen. I think you've kept me waiting long enough, don't you agree?" Kai grins at him. "But well, if you don't want to—"

He latches onto Kai's hand as he feels it moving. "I want to," he admits, no point trying to hide it.

"My hotel has 24/7 room service and a bathroom with a Jacuzzi," Kai suggests.

"My hotel is four minutes away from here," Soobin offers in return.

Kai jumps up with a giggle. "Let's go to your hotel then."

Soobin nods dumbly in agreement. He blindly reaches into his wallet to dig out a crumpled-up bill that he plants on the table. He then eagerly follows Kai out the diner. He has no idea how much money he has left – it might have been way too much for the two coffees they had – but since neither of them is tackled to the ground as they headed out the door, at least he knows he hasn't paid too little.

Soobin drives them back to the hotel in his car. The ride is eerily quiet; luckily, it doesn't last long. With the way he floors the gas pedal in anticipation, they arrive at the underground parking garage in less than three minutes.

"I still have to check-in," he announces while he gets his overnight bag from the trunk. Together they climb the stairs up to the lobby.

On the way up, Kai asks, "Is there a bar?"

Soobin searches his memory. "According to the website, yeah."

"I'll get us a bottle of something to bring up to the room." Kai blows him a playful kiss before parting ways with him.

Soobin stops and watches him go. His footfalls are soundless on the stone lobby floor; he has such an elegant, controlled walk. His shoulders rock lightly with his steps. His long black coat moves behind him in fluid ripples of fabric, hiding his ample ass. How could someone simply walking away be so utterly mesmerizing? He shakes his head at himself and approaches the reception desk.

"Hi. I'm Choi Soobin, I made a reservation."

As the clerk checks the computer system, he leans in and tried, "I don't suppose you have an upgrade available? I booked a really simple room, but I'm having an unexpected guest over…"

She looks up from the computer and diligently informs him, "You booked a room with a double bed. Would you like to change to a room with twin beds for you and your guest?"

He chuckles sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck. "Actually, I was hoping for something along the lines of king-size and a balcony with a view?"

Her professional façade cracks to reveal a smile. "I'll check for you, sir." She starts typing away.

Soobin turns, leaning his elbow on the counter, and studies the lobby. He spots a corridor flanks by potted plants, with a sign above that read "BAR" – he knows where Kai ran off to. When he catches a reflection of himself in the wall-sized mirror across the open, sparsely-decorated space, he straightens up and checks his hair to make sure it is still presentable. Sometimes bits of hair have the habit of sticking out and they would make it looks considerably less attractive.

"Sir?"

"Hm. Yes?" He spins around again to face the clerk.

"I have one room available with a king-sized bed. Unfortunately, it is on the second floor and doesn't have much of a view."

"Does it have nice curtains?"

She lets out a soft laugh. "We have very nice curtains, sir."

"Then I'll take it."

"It is forty dollars more, for the night," She informs him. "Single-night visitors are asked to pay upfront."

"That's fine." He hands over his credit card and waits for her to give it back along with the keycard for the room. From the corner of his eye, he sees a figure dressed in black approach him. He enjoys watching Kai walk towards him even more than watching him walk away. His wide hips have a nice sway to them and his thighs look mouthwatering beneath his tight pants. He has his coat draped over his arm. In his free hand he holds a bottle of wine by the neck and two wine glasses by the stem.

"What took you so long?" he wonders. When Kai comes to stand next to him, Soobin slips his arm around his waist. It’s so easy and comfortable, even though it has been five years.

Kai quips with a playful wink, "I was flirting with the bartender."

When Soobin accepts the keycard and his credit card from the clerk, he notices her grin and flushed cheeks. Kai is not the guest she’s expecting.

"Happy holidays and goodnight," She says.

"You too." It’s rude of him, but he can hardly be bothered with pleasantries at that moment.

Soobin guides Kai up to the room, his hand never leaving the small of his back. Once inside, he takes his coat and hooks it on a hanger behind the door, drops his bag in the corner, and takes the bottle of wine and glasses. He sets them on the desk and prepares to open the bottle, but a hand touches his arm and squeezes the muscle firmly but nicely.

"The wine is for after," Kai says, his voice low. "Like I said, you've kept me waiting long enough."

Standing in front of the taller man he slips his hands along Soobin's chest into his dinner jacket and pushes it off his shoulders. His hands run all the way down his arms, smoothing over the wrinkles of his button-up shirt.

When the jacket fell to the floor, Soobin reaches up a hand to pull Kai closer to him, but the younger man takes the hand and guides it back to his side.

"I've known what I wanted since I was a teenager," Kai explains in a firm, yet suggestive, tone. "Let _me_ make it happen this time. Finally."

Soobin nods hurriedly. He stands there, motionless, except for the heaving of his chest. The mere anticipation causes his breathing to become labored and he can’t take his eyes off of the lean figure across him.

Kai takes a small step towards him, not enough to fully close the distance between them, but enough to tantalize Soobin. The taller man can feel warm breaths against his throat, swooping up under his chin and down into his shirt thanks to the undone buttons at the top. He bites back a moan when Kai's hands return. He places them on Soobin's chest; he must've been able to feel his wild heartbeat. Before long, he moves both hands down his torso. The touch becomes increasingly lighter as thin fingers trail down until the electrifying touch disappeared completely after he flicks the belt buckle with his index finger.

A pointed nose touches underneath his chin as Kai brings his lips close to his adam's apple. Soobin clenches his fists at his sides, hoping he would kiss him, but all he gets is the caress of a shuddering exhales.

Then there are the hands again. They start at his belt this time; fingers toy with the buckle and eventually undid it – a wordless promise. They pinch the fabric of his shirt and pull it out of his slacks. With the shirt freed, Kai slides his hands underneath and Soobin groans when he traces the shape of his abs and rubs his ticklish sides.

Then they disappear again.

Soobin lets out a breathy chuckle. "Huening Kai, you've become a tease."

"I learned from the best," the accused shoots back smugly.

"Ah, so this is revenge?"

"Does it feel like revenge?" is the sweet reply. The tip of the nose moves down from his chin and bumps the swell of his adam's apple that bobs up and down as Soobin swallows the lump in his throat. A kiss lands on the hollow of his collar bone.

"No," Soobin grinds out, trying to hold back from slamming the younger man to the bed and have his way with him. "Feels good." He can’t deny he is extremely aroused; Kai has to inch his own hips back to avoid stimulating the obvious erection that tented Soobin's black slacks. " _Fuck_ ," He inhales deeply when Kai pops a button of his shirt.

"You said you should have made love to me when we were younger." He pulls another button. "When should you have done it?"

It takes Soobin a little while to form an answer. More buttons being undone are quite a distraction.

"That second summer. When we were on holiday." he starts quietly. "I rented a villa and told our parents that we were having a group vacation but the truth was I rented it just for you and me. We had the place all to ourselves for days. The bedroom was nice and it had king-sized bed and jacuzzi. I could have made you _scream_." He figures he had given a good answer when Kai rewards him by opening the sides of his shirt and placing a lingering kiss on his breastbone.

But then the younger one objects. "You still would have kept me waiting that long?"

"One and a half years is better than seven," he supplies.

"Still too long."

"Alright." He accepts the challenge and searches further through the distant memories of their relationship, which started when Kai was sixteen and he was eighteen, and ended nearly exactly two years later – shortly after Christmas – when Soobin never returned his calls after the disastrous "coming out" event. Most memories – the last one excluded – were fond memories. They were childhood friends before they pursued a relationship. Soobin had gone off to college and only came back for summers and major holidays. Living in the dorms in a new city, far removed from the rules and supervision of his parents, Soobin discovered he was attracted to men. However, he never acted on his attraction; he never felt the need to. His desire never got "bad" enough that he couldn't control himself.

Not until he returned home for Christmas in 2012, and saw Kai again for the first time in a year. Kai spent that summer with family from his mother's side. Compared to the last time saw his neighbor and childhood friend, Kai had definitely changed. When Soobin looked at him before, he saw a skinny, awkward, teenaged boy: his eyes too big for his face; his head too big for his body; his limbs too long; his clothes too large. Being almost three years older than Kai, he saw him as the baby brother he never had.

When he came home a week before Christmas and went over to the Huening house to surprise his childhood friend; Kai's mom let him go up to his room. He walked in on Kai getting dressed and quickly realized that he was not his "baby brother" anymore. Hormones had done a marvelous job. Kai had gotten taller and finally started to build muscle on his frame – a benefit from being on the high school Track & Field team since Freshman year. His braces had come out that October; he always had an endearing smile.

When Soobin walked in on him half-naked, Kai smiled at him and hugged him before thinking to cover himself up. It was immediately apparent to Soobin that his control would not last long.

"Christmas, '12," He says.

Kai lets out a laugh and shakes his head. "We weren't even dating then. It would have been a meaningless fuck." He reiterates, "I asked you when you should have first _made love_ to me."

"Would you have let me?"

"Hm?"

"Would you have let me fuck you? That soon?"

"Yes," he hisses in response. He places his mouth over a nipple and lets his tongue flicks out.

"Fuck!"

Mercifully, Kai rids him of his shirt and kisses his way across his chest to treat the other nipple. His hands do not remain idle; they thumb the shape of his muscles that go taut underneath the skin and counts the bumps of Soobin's spine while playing with his hair. Then they move back to the front and rips the belt out of the loops of Soobin's pants. Kai drapes the leather over his own neck.

Soobin quirks an eyebrow at him.

"I'm going to hit you with this if you get it wrong," Kai explains coolly. He proceeds to slowly unbutton the slacks and lower the zipper.

Now that piques Soobin's wicked curiosity. "It's a test now?"

"Mmhm, and you only get one more try."

Ignoring the rules previously set, Soobin reaches out a hand and gently took hold of Kai's chin, to make him look at him. He speaks softly with confidence, "I should have made love to you the Fourth of July weekend of '14…when you first asked me to."

Kai stills and gazes into his eyes. His hand moves up and pulls the belt from his neck; he lets the leather slip smoothly from his fingers. The buckle thuds on the carpet floor. "I guess I won't be needing that," he says, confirming that he has given the answer he’s looking for.

"Maybe later?" Soobin suggests with a wink.

Kai's lips curls into an adorable smile. Finally, he leans forward, pressing his body flush against Soobin's, sandwiching their matching arousals between them. His arms snake around his neck and when he pushes up on his toes to close the distance between their mouths, his torso rubs against Soobin's skin. He can feel the softness of the fabric and the warmth of the body underneath.

Their lips touch tenderly, to start with. Soobin reaches his arms around his former partner and places one hand on the back of his neck while the other presses against the small of his back. He presses his hips and mouth against Kai's more powerfully. Their pelvises rock together with evident need and their kiss deepens; tongues meet between them as they take turns exploring the other's mouth.

Soobin lowers his hand to Kai's ass, grabbing a round, muscular cheek first before shifting to the center of his behind and pressing fingers into the cleft.

"Shit," he curses against Kai's lips as realization and resentment hit him at once. "I don't have a condom." To see him again, after all these years, and having to settle for a dry-hump or a tug-of-war is a pain – it’s not at all what either of them is anxiously looking forward to.

"Left pocket," Kai murmurs simply and then captures his mouth again.

Soobin's hand jumps over to the left pocket of Kai's pants and retrieves a strip of three condoms. He brings his hand up and interrupts the kiss to look at the ruby red foils over Kai's shoulder. "You brought condoms to your family Christmas dinner?"

Kai lets out a hearty laugh. "I got them from the bartender downstairs."

_So that's what took so long…_ Soobin grins at him. "I didn't know this," he shakes the strip, "—was a service bartenders provided."

"We have a responsibility – a code." Kai giggles in response. "We get you a drink. We get you a cab. And, when you need it, we provide free therapy and the means for safe sex."

"Really?"

"If you're lucky."

"People come up to you at your bar and ask for condoms a lot?"

"I work at the Acardia, Soobin. My guests are more likely to inquire about Viagra."

After a laugh Soobin kisses away his cheeky grin and grabs his ass with both hands, lifting him up. Kai wraps his arms around Soobin's neck and legs around Soobin's waist and lets himself be carried to the king-sized bed. He places him on the mattress and tosses the condoms to the left for later. Standing at the edge of the bed, he leans over him. He pushes the black turtleneck up an inch or two and kisses his exposed stomach, just above the hem of his pants. Slim fingers threaded through his hair and Kai spreads his thighs wantonly. One of Soobin's hands ghosts over the front of Kai's pants, giving a light squeeze to the hard bulge. He maps the way the shaft curves under the two layers of fabric and the swells of the scrotum at the base, before moving further down between his legs. He pushes more firmly, massaging the perineum and the sensitive skin surrounding his opening through his pants and underwear.

Immediately, Kai starts to grind his hips. Soobin pushes the hem of the turtleneck sweater up further with his nose and kisses his way up the abdomen – the way he remembers doing years ago, when they are horny teenagers, rutting against each other. He urges Kai to scoot further up the bed and crawls on top of him. The sweater is pushed up to his collarbone and Soobin pinches the nipples while he leans in for another passionate kiss. Kai thrusts his pelvis up from the mattress, pressing his groin against him. They moan in unison.

He pauses to strip Kai of his sweater and gets rid of both their shoes, socks and pants before mounting him again. He purposefully keeps their underwear on to keep things from spiraling out of control too fast. Soobin already made a mistake not taking their relationship all the way when he had the chance five – even six – years ago.

The only benefit is that now, they are both older; they can make it last, they can fully enjoy each other. They know their own bodies, their likes and dislikes. They don't know each other very well anymore, but it’s exciting to get reacquainted. Soobin doesn't want it to be over before he knows Kai's body as well as he knows his own.

Soobin explores every inch of his pale skin with calloused fingers. Whenever they both need some air, he redirects his lips to worship the shells of Kai's ears, his sharp jawline, his elegantly craned neck, and occasionally dipping his head further down to treat his erect nipples. Kai's hands entertain themselves by caressing Soobin's face and broad chest, while pushing his hips up in rhythm with Soobin's thrusts. He laughs breathily.

"It's like we're back in my bedroom, trying to get each other off by dry-humping before my mom calls us downstairs for dinner." he says with humor.

"We're not in a hurry this time." To emphasize his point, Soobin kisses him leisurely.

He stalls for as long as he can handle. There’s a fine line between building anticipation and intensifying the arousal, and becoming frustrating and off-putting. When he estimates he’s a little short of crossing that line, Soobin decides the foreplay has lasted long enough and moved down Kai's body to mouth his erection through the fabric of his briefs.

"Nnnggh…n-no, please…" Kai whimpers at the stimulation.

Deft fingers peel away the underwear; he drags the fabric down Kai's legs and then tosses the garment into oblivion. Kai's erection is thick, with a reddened crown and a pearl of precome at the tip. He stares at it. He remembers it. He remembers what it feels like in his hand. He remembers what it feels like in his mouth. Soobin licks up the length of it and places a kiss on the head, almost reverently. With his wet, hot tongue, he gives the tip a few heavy pets. The cock pulses and twitches. Kai's abdominal muscles tighten and his thighs tenses up – he’s dangerously close to climaxing. Soobin licks his arousal once more before kissing his way back up and reconnecting their mouths.

Kai mewls pathetically when his need is denied.

"Patience. We didn't wait five years to end up blowing our load sucking each other off after all," Soobin explains between kisses.

The younger man nods in agreement and his right hand blindly searches the bed for the condoms before handing them to Soobin as soon as they are found.

Soobin tears off one packet and rips it open. He sits back on his haunches between Kai's spread legs, aware that the other is watching his every move. He places the protective latex on the tip of his cock and rolls it down the shaft and rubs some lube up and down his length and onto Kai's entrance.

"Do you want me to stretch you first?"

Kai shakes his head.

"No.” he whines. “W-Wanna… wanna be tight for you."

Soobin's face and neck flush red. Although he isn't disappointed with that admission, he doesn't want Kai to feel self-conscious about not being a virgin anymore. "You'll feel so good, no matter what," he reassures, his words blending together and coming out with a nasal tone, like a drawn-out moan. "I want to make you feel good."

"But I like it b-better… without stretching."

The words drive him wild and subsequently impatient. Soobin puts more lube onto his dick once more to make it as slick as he could then hooks his hands under Kai's knees and pushes his legs up and apart. He leans over him, his long bangs falling across Kai’s flushed face. The younger man's own hair is fanned out around him and sticks to his forehead and the nape of his neck with sweat. Soobin angles his hips to position himself at Kai's entrance.

Then Kai quickly informs, "If I cry, don't worry about it."

Soobin frowns at him. "What?"

He looks up with vulnerable, embarrassed eyes. "I, um, c-cry sometimes, during sex."

"Why?"

"I don't know." He bits down on his bottom lip, mortified at his confession.

Soobin smiles at him reassuringly. "It's okay if you cry," he says with lighthearted gentleness. "I don't want you to feel like you have to hold anything back. Just let out whatever you want, whatever feels good."

Kai nods. Soobin smiles and kisses his forehead.

"Hey, promise me you'll let me know if I'm hurting you?”

The younger man nods again.

Soobin encircles his erection with his fist, just behind the crown, steadying it as he pushes his hips forward. Without stretching him first, Kai is beyond tight and it doesn't help that all these years of waiting has him a little tense.

The opening resists, even as Soobin applies more pressure. "Relax, baby," he whispers. The nickname comes easily to him. When they were dating he used to call him that all the time, when they were alone, of course.

Kai releases an adorable giggle at being called "baby." He cups Soobin's face with his hands and pulls him down for a kiss.

Soobin keeps applying steady pressure and waits patiently for Kai to relax. He kisses him slowly as a distraction. With the thumb of his free hand he rubs circles on the inside of Kai's thigh to soothe him, purposefully not touching his arousal, knowing that kind of direct stimulation will only make his muscles clench up.

"I want to be inside you, baby," Soobin says in-between kisses, his voice barely a whisper. "I want to be so deep inside you…" He grabs Kai's calves with both hands, spreading his legs wider and pushes his knees closer to his chest, opening him up more. Soobin takes hold of his own erection again, aiming the head and he leans his weight forward, as slowly and controlled as he can muster.

Kai releases a deep breath he has been holding and is mercifully able to relax. It helps to accommodate Soobin and he slips inside with a single, smooth thrust, accompanied by their moans.

Now settled inside of his lover – finally _his lover_ – Soobin captures Kai's mouth for another kiss, giving them both time to enjoy the union they have waited for, for so long. He forces aside all gnawing feelings of regret and guilt and lost himself to the moment. He feels into a white-hot abyss. But he isn't afraid of falling, not with Kai there.

Kai clenches his muscles around him, really feeling Soobin's thickness and length. "Nghh…t-that feels good…" He interrupts the kiss and nuzzles his nose into the crook of Soobin's neck.

The sheath that envelopes him grips needily, rippling as muscles tensed and relaxed. Soobin knows he’s ready, but still he asks, just to be sure.

"Y-Yes, you can move. P-Please, Soobin." is Kai's answer, his voice thick with arousal.

Soobin rears his head up so he can stare into Kai's eyes. With their gazes locked to each other, he starts to move. His lover struggles to keep his eyes open as the pleasure caused by the friction overwhelms them both, but he manages. Soobin is completely focused on Kai's clouded eyes and his sultry expressions. His hips move with confidence and skill that he would have lacked five years ago. He knows his cock is stroking the prostate just right with every thrust.

After losing some of its hardness during the initial penetration, Kai's own is fully firmed-up again, leaking precome onto his tightened abdomen. Without taking his eyes off his lover's face, he wraps his fingers around the base of the weeping erection and pumps it in time with his thrusts. Soobin avoids stimulating the more sensitive head; he doesn't want it to be over too soon.

In reaction to the intimate touch, the passage tightens more around the intruding member, intensifying the gratification for both of them.

Soobin moans and smiles at him. He whispers, "Feel good, baby?"

"Obviously." Kai lets out a breathy giggle.

Soobin's smile brightens. "You want it harder?"

"Y-Yeah. Yes. Yes!"

He complies without delay. Their moans get louder. The bed moves with the force of it. "The neighbors are going to hate us," Soobin remarks quietly with a grin.

"Fuck the neighbors." Kai pouts

He laughs at the exclamation, wholeheartedly agrees, but he does slow down his thrust a little, not wanting to make it obvious. That and he wants to tease the little vixen under him, wondering what kind of payback he’ll bestow him with.

Kai certainly doesn’t disappoint.

With a frustrated whine, he pushes up and flips them over so Soobin's back is on the mattress while he straddles his hips. Soobin groans loudly at the sudden impact, but he certainly isn't going to object. The younger man rolls his hips slowly for a moment, then reaches back and grabs Soobin's strong thighs with both hands for purchase and rides him.

Soobin appreciates Kai's beauty with lustful eyes and greedy hands. His hands run all over his sides, his hips and his legs. His unblemished skin is wet and slick with sweat, much like his own. The abdomen is a play of highlights and shadows that moves with the contractions of the muscles as Kai pushes himself up and down on Soobin's cock.

Knowing he won't be able to last much longer, Soobin sits up. He cups Kai's face in his hands tenderly and kisses him hard. Kai stills on his lap, focusing on returning the kiss. The younger man wraps his arms around Soobin's shoulders, desperate. In turn, he shifts his hands down to Kai's wide hips and presses his fingers into the flesh as he takes hold of him and started working him up and down again.

"I was so stupid back then," He growls, more at himself than at Kai.

"Nnggh, y-yeah, you were!" Kai agrees without malice in his tone of voice.

Soobin grabs his hair by the nape of his neck and pulls him in for another kiss. With their mouths connected, he lays down on his back, pulling Kai with him. He bends his legs at the knees and digs his heels into the mattress for leverage; with a snap of his hips, he thrusts up into Kai harder and deeper. He takes Kai's neglected erection into his hand again so he can finish them both off.

"I'm g-gonna come." Kai warns with a whine, twisting his fingers into the sheets on either side of Soobin's head.

Soobin licks the shell of Kai's ear and huskily whispers, "Come for me, baby, and take me with you. Get nice and tight for me."

Kai dips his head, tucking it underneath his chin. Soobin listens to the shrill cry and the sound of fabric tearing right by his ears.

Reaching the peak of his climax, Kai's wall clenches and relaxes rhythmically around him, bringing him over the edge and milking him. Soobin shouts some obscenities that the neighbors would most certainly overhear and grips his lover's hips hard enough to leave bruises. Then he flips them over again and makes a few more deep thrusts with the last of his virility, engaging him in a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss at the same time, while they both ride the waves of their orgasm.

" _It's two in the morning!"_ Someone hollers, banging against the wall. _"Quit fucking around!"_

Both of them let out a rumbling laugh.

"My hotel had soundproofed rooms, you know?" Kai breathily teases between heavy pants.

He is quick to remind him, similarly out of breath, "It was too far. You agreed."

Soobin sits up and holds both of Kai's ankles, holding his legs spread. He enjoys the sight before him: Kai's hair tousled, his face flustered, his eyes dark, his pale skin full with marks, his lips reddened and swollen, his chest heaving to catch his breath, his stomach adorned with white pearls of passion, his erection lying back, softening, and – more importantly – Soobin’s cock is still inside him.

When he notices that Kai is staring right back, appreciating the mark he left all over his body as well, he smiles softly. He holds his penis at the base, securing the condom so it won't come off and pulls out. He discards the tied-up latex on the floor. It’s only a hotel room; he doesn't worry about ruining the carpet, especially after they had torn the sheets, and he is certain that the reception desk will receive a complaint from the guests next door.

He drops down onto the mattress next to Kai heavily and with a gentle touch he maneuvers his lover to lie on his side, his back pressed up against his chest. He noses the chocolate brown hair and kisses his shoulder and ear; his arms wrapped around him, feeling his every breath and shudder in response to their closeness.

"That was amazing, baby." he says in a breathy whisper.

Kai's reply is smug. "As I always knew it would be."

Soobin chuckles softly and buries his nose in the messy hair. The strands smell distinctly like Kai, but he also smells like sweat, sex and Soobin's own scent – all blending together in a perfume that makes Soobin feel giddy.

"Best. Christmas. Ever," Soobin says, punctuating each word with a kiss to the back of Kai's neck.

Kai's body shakes with soundless laughter.

"What? You disagree?"

"Well, I was _really_ excited that year I got the newest Nintendo Switch."

"Oh really?" Soobin clasps his arms more securely around his lover and tickles his side, directly below the lowest rib. Kai erupts into fits of laughter. His body shakes and his legs kick about. Soobin rakes his teeth along the shell of his ear and continues to tickle him. "Damn right I remember your ticklish spots!" He tickles him until Kai is out of breath, then stops suddenly to make him turn his head so he can plunder his mouth.

When the kiss end, Kai gives him a devilish smirk. "We have two more condoms, you know?"

"Hmm..." The mind is willing but the body needed to recuperate. "Give me a minute." He rests his head on his shoulder and closes his eyes for a bit. Kai lies in silence in Soobin's embrace, content and close to falling asleep as well.

Before he leisurely drifts into blissful unconsciousness, a sudden epiphany makes Soobin opening his eyes again.

"You didn't cry," he points out. He’s unsure if that is a bad or bad sign, but feels it need to be said.

"I didn't." Kai replies, as if it’s a surprise to him as well. He disentangles their arms and turns around to face him. With honest eyes he gazes into his. "And I think I just realized why I used to cry with my other lovers."

Soobin raises his eyebrows in question.

"Because they weren't _you_." At Soobin's pained expression Kai reassures him, "I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or guilty. I'm telling you because I want you to know how happy I am that this time, finally, it was you." He closes the distance between them for a sweet kiss.

After their kiss, Soobin blurts out – since they are being honest, "Hey, I… I think I'm still in love with you, even after all these years."

Kai widens his eyes but then he laughs softly. "I think I'm still in love with you too."

They smile at each other. With a light touch, Soobin's fingers caress Kai's face, smoothing the dark hairs of his eyebrows, trailing down his nose, swooping his thumb from plump lips across the smooth plane of his cheek, and following the sharp line of his jaw. It seems like he can’t ever get over his beauty. Soobin doesn't realize just how much he has missed seeing his face until that moment. The way he looks so serene and relaxed and trusting; it’s the way he used to see him all the time, when Kai was just a kid and Soobin was just an idiot.

"What do we do now?" he asks, uncertainty in his voice. “You and me, what do we do?”

Soobin wants to stay with him forever – stay in this bed forever – but the truth is they aren't sixteen and eighteen years old anymore; they are adults with responsibilities they can't just skip out on.

"My flight leaves in eleven hours.” he tells him softly. “I have my job in Seoul. You have your own at Acardia. So what do we do?"

"What do we do?” his lover muses out loud. “We both go home. We go back to our jobs like we always do but this time, you are going to call me. And…we'll take it from there."

Soobin nods eagerly. He isn't going to make the same mistake. He isn't going to let him slip away again. He knows he can't change the past or provide excuses or explanations to act as a balm for Kai's hurt. But he can try to make a better future for both of them and Soobin plans to tell him just that when Kai leaves a quick peck on his mouth.

"Besides," Kai adds with a shrug and a sparkle in his eye, "If I decide to go to nursing school, I don't necessarily have to stay aboard for that."

“Are you saying…?” His voice wavers with sudden realization.

“Yeah.” Kai grins. “Exactly what you’re thinking. You don’t mind if I crash your apartment, do you?”

He waits for a few heartbeats before he surges forward, pulling him closer and bombarding his lover with kisses. They share a breathless laugh.

“I love you.”

“And I love you, always and forever.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!! As always I'm back with another sookai oneshot, hope you won't get bored with my usual long as fuck writing. To be real honest, I didn't want to post this at all. This fic was actually the original draft for 'Indemnification' before I decided to write it over because of the heavy topics it presented and because i thought the pace was too fast. But then I feel bad about drafting it, so I decided to fix it a little and make it a full-length fic. it's a bit rushed because I'm busy with work but I think some of you may relate to it to the way I do so why not post it, right?
> 
> Thank you so much for always leaving sweet comments on my fics! I was a bit disheartened because a few people try to take my fic down and even insulted me personally, but your comments made everything better. I changed my username just in case it happened again, I hope you're not confused!
> 
> Anyway thanks again for reading and please tell me your thoughts after you finished! See you in my next work :)


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